My lifestyle’s in a real mess at the moment. I’m being totally irresponsible… not getting enough sleep and being the annoying roommate that stays up late with the light on, still yet to pick the courses I want to do, in desperate need of a clothes wash, still overdue an appointment to the opticians, out of Extra Thin Ice, missing meals and not eating enough fruit, skipping lectures because they’re recorded anyway, stupid-stupidly unfit through lack of motivation, shirking on emails because I don’t want the reply on my plate…

I guess I’m just so used to having someone nagging me that I’ve forgotten where to even start with these things. This is just… not me… I’m meant to be the one that’s always on top of things.

My next post will be better.

My pivot

The general thoughts of people whose 2011 summaries that I’ve been reading have been pretty negative, almost as if it was a year of loss, chaos and failure for everybody.

I ticked off two Major Life Goals, and I’m still amazed that to be studying here, but everything else was kinda mediocre and uneventful. It feels like I’m meant to be seeing sparks of excitement and achievement all the time at university and I’m missing out on so much.

Of course, there were bad things, too. I hope this isn’t just because I’m still slightly intoxicated, but I see a way to fix everything that went wrong. The real pivot had to be 22 November, because things have changed since then.

Will delete this later, but I just feel like typing something when I don’t have someone to talk to in SF.

My next post will be better.

This game occupied me for much longer than it should have, especially at such a late point in the semester. Generally, these life simulations, anything from Kudos, to The Sims to a 15 minute demo of New York Nights, always seem to have this effect on me.

I guess I’m just fascinated by the idea of modelling life on a bunch of numbers, even though it’s way more fine-grained than that. Still, Alter Ego’s intrinsic traits seem to work really well (though whether you could max out intellect in your teenage years is to question). That it’s still relevant 30 years later is an obvious indicator of its accuracy.

I really do look at talented people in terms of Gladwell’s hours of deliberate practice and relationships in terms of Covey’s trust bank, but I dunno… is it really right to base things like love and friendships in any sort of numerical form?

But that’s me being evasive and thinking about game systems, avoiding writing about my actual life. And the overall feeling about life that I get from Alter Ego is regret…

My next post will be better.

I’ve been stuck on an icebreaker question asked at one of the orientation events earlier this week: “what are your goals here?”.

I feel that I should be going into this with a better plan than I am right now. I don’t think it’s possible to make this trip a waste, but I after walking around the Siebel Center for the first time, I really feel like I should be focusing completely on academics while I’m here, filling up my schedule with 500-levels and learning everything I can from these experts.

That’s not to say that I don’t want to travel around, meet new people or take cross faculty courses — I really do — but I’m just having trouble figuring out what ‘make the most of this year’ really means.

I guess it’s only with a time limit on my stay that I really start thinking about how I should optimize my life. Sadly, I know I’m not even going to get close this time, let alone in the long run.

My next post will be better.

I’ve had highs and lows over the past six months about whether I really want to go, and right now I’m at a plateau where I don’t really feel like flying tomorrow.

The overwhelming reason is inconvenience… it’s a hassle to start a new life over there: little things like setting up bank accounts and meeting new people to participating in a course that’ll be way out of my league in a system that requires actual effort. There’s books that I want to read but can’t bring, sculptures I want to finish, a summer that I wanted to spend in Cambridge, and a November I should be in England for.

My world feels like it’s getting back to normal right now – maybe for the first time in a few years, I’m settling down to a situation that works for me (as London burns to the ground). I’ve often seen this opportunity as a second chance of sorts, but now I’m feeling like the first one was never over.

Also, holy fuck – I’m 21.

My next post will be better.

As for this side of the calendar, I have absolutely no fucking clue.

I mean, I’ve got plans in my head for this summer, or at least the next few weeks. Usually they rarely come to fruition, but with no commitments this year, I might actually manage something. We’ll see.

It’ll be weird meeting everyone else as graduates when I still picture us aged 16. I’ve been the most out of touch, but something today made me realise that I’ll be comparing myself to them forever. It’s scary that the rest of their lives are starting now.

But beyond August, I really don’t know what to expect. I’m seeing UIUC as some save-all out where I’ll meet someone that really inspires me or discover a part of CS that I’d consider going into. That’s great, but I know more people that have hated studying over the pond than over here. Me? I love novelty.

It’s shameful that I’m putting so many decisions off until my welcome pack arrives - I think current students have already been able to pick their classes. Goddamn, I hope I can still get into some CS 498s. Maybe I should be doing something wacky instead of taking it so seriously – that’s the advantage of a US education, right?

My future beyond 2011 is even cloudier.

My next post will be better.